


Being Sober

by Hacereadsenochian (Grannahreadsenochian)



Category: Poe Dameron - Fandom, Star Wars, Star Wars TFA, Tfa, The Force Awakens - Fandom
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol, Depression, Drinking, Drugs, Gets pretty nutsin, Multi, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Nothing good happens, OC, PTSD, Prostitution, Violence, female oc - Freeform, whores
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:37:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6085266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grannahreadsenochian/pseuds/Hacereadsenochian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jess was just trying to help.</p><p>After Starkiller, Damerons nights are ever haunted, and his days are spent in a haze of exhaustion. Then one day something is set in motion that has the potential to doom Dameron, and the Resistance. It's not Jess's fault, she was just trying to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING
> 
> This is just a warning that this is not a happy, fun story filled with nice angst and hurt and comfort. It gets really dirty and dark and depressing and generally not nice. So if that's something you can't handle, don't get too attached to this story because next chapters will be RIFE  
> Ye have been warned.

He doesn't mean to fall asleep in the pilot's lounge, but he does, curled up in his favorite armchair tucked in the corner. The other pilots sneak in and out of the room, grabbing their belongings and murmuring quietly to themselves before leaving, because their commander doesn't sleep much anymore and there's no way they're going to wake him, now that he is. They can take their chatter elsewhere- the hangar is as good a place as any, since everyone is used to seeing them there 24/7 anyway.  
He wakes with a start and looks around wildly, but someone turned the lights off so he could sleep better, and for a second of terror, he thinks he might be back in that torture chamber, being brutally interrogated, or on Jakku, all alone- he's not sure which he thinks it is. He only knows that his mind is not his own anymore, he has no control over it, and he's absolutely terrified.  
Then the fog clears and his eyes adjust to the dim light. He can make out shapes in the darkness, familiar shapes of the mismatched chairs of the lounge, the table with books and playing cards strewn across it, an icebox in the corner, a ring of light glowing faintly around the edges of the top.  
He shakes off the worn blanket someone's thrown over him and climbs out of the chair, leaning on the table for support as he tries to catch his breath. He feels cold all over. Phantom sensations still trace his body faintly, a burning in his legs, his ribs aching after the crash, the remnant of skull-splitting pain.  
But it clears, surely enough. He brushes his damp hair back with a shaking hand and collects himself. Then he hurries from the room, to bury his shaking hands in some engine that needed fixing, or anything else, as long as he doesn't need to think. 

He didn't sleep in the lounge anymore- he didn't sleep anywhere but his quarters. It wasn't uncommon to see the rest of blue/red squadron sleeping wherever they could, whether you walked in on them snoring in the lounge, or curled up in a nest of crates in the hangar, or on a transport slurring slowly through the halls. It was more uncommon to make a round through the base and not see a single fighter at all. When they weren't on missions, they were sleeping. The frequency of their battles and recon missions had only increased since Starkiller, something that no one had expected after the victory. Where they thought things would settle down while both sides recuperated after their losses, they only clashed more and more often.  
Poe and the starfighters made the base on D'quar and coordinated their expeditions around their leader, who could only be away from the base for so long before someone was calling him back for an urgent mission. Perhaps that also was a source of the strain they all saw in him. 

Poe sits waist deep in an engine, not necessarily on his own starfighter, tinkering with it and muttering something about "Reversing the polarity" and "emitting a sub-ionic takeon field." What nonsense this is, no one but the engineers seem to understand.  
BB8 rolls around the base of the ship helplessly, conveying his displeasure and concern with low, sad beeps that sometimes increased to high, stern beeps. Poe ignored both kinds. All he knew was that he couldn't sleep, not for a few more hours anyway. There was work to be done and dreams to be avoided, so only after finishing everything on his list and thoroughly exhausting himself would he succumb to the exhaustion. 

He pulls off his new jacket and tosses it over the top bunk of the bed he no longer shares with anyone. His Commander rank gives him private quarters, and honestly that's the only reason he even sleeps anymore. Every day he drags himself through whatever needs his doing, counting down until when he can afford to sleep. It gets smaller and smaller every day, the window of time where he can trust himself to sleep. It's not that he's not tired, it's just that the nightmares have their ways of sneaking past his exhaustion and keeping him from getting any rest. 

He wakes up because he was suffocating himself. He lies in the darkness, eyes wide with terror as he gasps, trying to suck oxygen into his screaming brain. His skin is slick with sweat and he's freezing and shaking and he can't freaking breath.  
BB8 beeps urgently, offering to get medical, get Jess, get anyone. His man-made mind can recognize the pattern set by nights past- he offers help, Poe refuses, Poe is sick, Poe is killing himself, slowly, without knowing.  
Perhaps his simple mind doesn't fully understand, but the droid is getting frustrated. He's helpless, they both are.  
His commander is waiting for it to get better, BB8 understands that much. But it's not getting better.  
It's not going to get better. 

Jess pulls him aside one night, when he's leaving the hangar.  
"Are you alright?" She asks, genuinely concerned for him.  
"Fine." He assures her.  
"Look, if you're not, it's okay to tell us. We're your friends."  
"I said I'm fine."  
"Okay, fine." He thinks she's gonna back off but she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small paper package. "But just in case you're not fine, take this."  
He stares at the package and then at her, both concern and anger in his gaze.  
"Jess what the hell are you doing?"  
Her cheeks flush. "It'll help with the nightmares."  
Poe snatches the packet from her hand and holds it in front of her.  
"Do you know what would happen to you if someone caught you with these? Do you?" Jess flinches and he catches himself, instantly regretting raising his voice at her. "Get out of here." He said tiredly. "Don't... don't do anything stupid tonight."  
"Just keep it." Jess insists. "It'll help." Poe stared at her and she ducked her head and hurried past him.  
Poe looked down at the packet in his hands. He should throw it away. Leave it in the junk to be found much, much later by some clean up crew.  
But then he looked at Jess, getting ready for a mission. A mission he wasn't a part of. Because he couldn't even bear to go on missions anymore.  
As if she felt his gaze and could tell exactly what he was thinking, Jess looked over at Poe one last time before the cockpit closed around her.  
He tucked the packet in his pocket and walked away. 

Nighttime, a few hours before his regularly scheduled slumber, Poe sits on the edge of his bed, looking at the beat up package sitting on his knee. He's been considering it for quite some time, since Jess forced it on him a few days ago. He held out as best he could. But the nightmares aren't getting any better, and he can feel himself slowly unraveling. He can barely trust himself to get in the cockpit of his x-wing, which had for so long been his refuge, without fear of falling asleep at the wheel.  
Flying doesn't have the joy it used to hold for him. Nothing does.  
He reaches for the packet and unwraps it slowly, his brain screaming at him not to do it, but his weary heart telling him to just try it, see if it worked. No harm in that, right? No harm in just... just trying it...  
He lays slowly back on his bed as a sweet haze fills his quarters.  
He sleeps, without nightmares. And he wakes in the morning and showers away the smell of the last night, and the past day's grime and sweat and pain.  
He brushes his hair back and gets dressed and looks in his tiny locker mirror and... he looks good. He feels good.  
And he know that it wasn't just one time, but he'll be making the same decision over and over every night to come, and it'll get easier the more he does it.


	2. Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo here we go :>
> 
> Pava has done it and now Poe has made some bad decisions, but things aren't too awful so far. Things start to get tense though, as Poe's behavior starts to change again. Whether for better or for worse, it is unclear. In the end, he has a choice to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaand it's up :) Things are starting to get good my friends. (And by good I mean it's falling apart) 
> 
> Important note- the tense does change a lot and I do some funky stuff with quotation marks and stuff but I'm literally just too lazy to change it. Shame on me. If it really pisses people off then I will fix it, but until then I will just roll with it

They all knew it- Snaps, Jess, the rest of his crew. They could see the difference in their commander the next day, and they didn't think it was the extra rations at breakfast. He cracked a joke, he spoke directly to BB8 (Whom he'd been ignoring as of late, due to the lack of variety in the droids worried lectures) he even gave Jess a day off and went out with the squadron himself, to do recon.  
Others attributed it to a recent victory, taking the edge off of all the worries weighing down the General's closest staff. It was the only thing that made sense.  
Poe dropped by the lounge that night to have a quick word with Jess. The younger, knowing this would eventually happen, had the refill already, sitting in her pocket since that fateful day in the hangar.  
It wasn't her fault, what was about to happen. She was only trying to help her beloved Commander. 

Poe sat in a meeting, glancing at the time every five minutes. It was getting late, really late. His own crew was probably asleep already. He glanced at the time. The meeting sure was stretching on forever. He wiped his forehead. They were talking about tactical findings. Glance at the time. He didn't know anything about the tactical layout, he could barely pay attention to the meeting. Yes, the squadron discovered a First Order fleet the next system over. No, they didn't seem to know where the base was. Time. No, he didn't think it was wise to attack them while they were still unaware of their presence. No, he didn't think exposing their base would be very wise, why the hell would that be wise?  
Leia was staring at him.  
They were all staring at him.  
He apologized to the General.  
Dameron, are you feeling alright? That was the General.  
Fine. Just tired.  
Indeed.  
The meeting just went on and on.  
Finally it ended, and they were dismissed, and Poe made his way to his room, feeling sick to his stomach. Time. He should've been asleep three hours ago. No wonder he was so jumpy, he thought as he reached for his precious paper bag. No wonder he was so edgy if he'd been kept up three hours later than he usually was. A familiar sweet scent wafted into the room and he lay back, resting his head on his pillow. Honestly, they should know better than to keep him up... he needed his sleep... 

Jess jumps on Poe as he walks into the lounge, wrapping her arm around his neck.  
"What's up Black Leader?" She asks cheekily, letting go of him when he bends to look in their junky old fridge. (Salvaged from the Officer's lounge, which was gonna just chuck it)  
"The sky, for one thing."  
"Veeery clever." Jess flatters him. "I've never heard that one before."  
"Thank you." Poe pulls a random carbonated drink from the fridge and pops it open.  
"You're welcome." Jess follows him to the table, closing the fridge door for him. 

They're running for the hangar as the rain hits. They hold their jackets over their heads but it's too late, they're already soaked. Jess is laughing. She drops her arms and slings her jacket over her shoulder, grinning up at the sky.  
"Are you insane?" Poe asks. Jess nods her head.  
"Doesn't it feel good though?" She asks, closing her eyes and shaking out her soaked hair. Poe puts down his jacket and looks up at the sky, baring his face to the elements. It just feels wet and cold.  
"Alright." He throws his arm over Jess's shoulder. "Let's go."  
She laughs and follows him inside. 

They stumble into the lounge, sopping wet. A certain pilot with aquaphobia squealed and rushed out of the room.  
"What happened to you?" Someone asks, holding his delicate book away from the soaking humans.  
"Got caught outside in the storm." Poe says, brushing out his hair. "This one thought it was fun."  
"And was it?" He wants to know.  
"It was wet." Poe answers.

They sit outside in the muggy air after the storm, perched on the hull of a smaller transport, hidden from view by the wings.  
The sun is just barely visible, peeking out from behind the hills in a last attempt at daylight.  
"This feels good though, doesn't it?" Jess asks, taking a long drag from the odd pipe she uses for her own inbibing.  
"Mm." Poe murmurs, leaning back against the ship, eyes shut. He's half gone already. "Better than screaming nightmares."  
Jess nods. "Okay." She says softly. "Good." 

Rey arrives at the base, just for a short visit she says. Chewie has some business to take care of, and she missed BB8. She specifically said BB8, but she meant pretty much everyone. Poe is there to meet her, one of the few people who isn't busy working. When she sees him, she frowns and looks closely at him.  
"Are you alright?" She asks.  
"Fine." He says, like he always does.  
"Are you sure? You seem... fuzzy." He knows she means well, that she's just asking out of concern, but he can't help but feel irritated by her pushing.  
"I'm fine." He repeats, firmly. "Just a bit worn out." But he has felt different these past few days, not like the good different when he started on the drug, but a fuzzy different, just like she said.  
"If you say so. Oh, right, I should probably go see Finn."

Jess gets into a fight with an obnoxious engineer. Poe slams his head into a wall and drags Jess away, his arm protectively around her shoulder.  
She doesn't get into any more fights. 

At first glance, Poe seemed back to his old self, though still not fully recovered physically from everything leading up to the victory at Starkiller. He joked around with his crew and seemed an awful lot closer with most of them. Leia sat in her private office, thinking deeply on how quickly the change had come over Poe. She knew what'd been going on with him, since Jakku. He was her most trusted Commander, not to mention a close friend. She'd practically raised him alongside Ben, after his parents died.  
He'd always been so secluded.  
Not introverted- from day one he'd had that loud, confident swagger, disarming and befriending everyone he met with that easy smile and those sincere eyes.  
But he never talked to her, about himself. About how he was doing. It was always about the Resistance, about everyone around him, about who he could help. He never asked for help for himself.  
Which was why she had to watch his struggle with the nightmares, until one day he finally admitted it to her in her office, broken and weary, and explaining why he couldn't put himself on missions anymore.  
"Do you want me to discharge you?" She'd asked after a long moment, in a low voice that said she hoped desperately that wasn't what he was asking. He'd shook his head and assured her that he could still carry out his duties concerning his pilots. He just needed time to sort everything out.  
He had it sorted alright. He sorted it every night in his quarters, where no one could see or smell his methods of "sorting" everything out.  
Leia looked down at the plaque in her hands, the one from his graduation that she'd kept, even though he couldn't have cared less. He was more excited about his first orders, not a piece of metal to put on a wall- a wall in a home he didn't have.  
She smiled sadly and thought about how devastated he'd been when the First Republic sent him off to some remote system to do boring, routine system sweeps.  
She thought about how devastated he would be when he heard what she had to say. She only hoped that it would be enough, that it would get into his stubborn head and knock some sense into him.  
She loved him, she really did, but she couldn't watch him throw away everything he'd worked hard for, everything he'd achieved. He may have a handle on his addiction for now, but it would consume him, slowly but surely. And she was already seeing the signs. The closer to midnight it became the more edgy and irritable he became. It wasn't just tiredness, if she kept him up an hour late he became anxious and sick. He was damn lucky the other officers hadn't caught on yet. The only reason she'd caught it was because she'd seen it before, knew what to look for. She'd seen it happen to dozens others. She was not going to let it tear apart the one she loved like a son.  
It was the right thing to do, she could afford to doubt it no more. She pressed a button on her private comm, direct to her personal assistant. The woman's sweet voice answered and Leia looked down at the plaque in her hands, a reminder of why she was doing what she was doing.  
"Bring him to me." 

Poe watched as the general's closest assistants tore apart his room, as apologetically as they could. He'd told them they weren't going to find anything, they'd apologized but they had to carry out their orders. They'd been in his room already when he got back from the General's quarters.  
He hadn't been mad at her. There'd been a bit of panic when she told him what she was doing. What was on the line. That he could choose between either the drugs or the Resistance, but not have both. Yes, he'd felt a bit of panic when he thought about what would happen if spent just one night off the substance. He'd tried it, once, and it was a complete mistake. Now he was being asked to choose between nightmares and waking misery, or rest but no Resistance.  
And just when he was finally beginning to forget about what'd happened to him, at the hands of Kylo Ren, his childhood friend, Leia was now asking him to throw himself back into that. Leia, who was like his mother, but first and foremost, his General.  
She'd offered him a choice.  
He could quit the drugs and keep his duties in the Resistance, or he could keep the drugs and lose his rank, his ship, and any respect the Resistance used to have for it's best pilot.  
There were plenty of legal drugs he could use, Leia had tried to tell him. Medical had plenty of medications for sleeping and pain.  
They don't work, he'd replied almost in a frenzy. Don't you think I've tried them? Don't you think I'd try everything before- he couldn't bring himself to say it, to admit that he was addicted.  
It's your choice. That's what she said.  
I can't do it. That's what he whispered, his voice cracking.  
Just ask me for help. She pleaded. You know I'm willing. You know I'll do anything I need to do to help you.  
In the end, he took the deal.  
But he was not looking forward to that night. He wasn't looking forward to the days to follow, where he would undoubtedly fall back into either a haze of weariness and physical misery, or where he would give in to the pain and have no choice but to quit the Resistance. Either way, he was afraid for the future.  
At least Jess wasn't losing her position in the squadron. Poe and Leia both knew that the only reason she got away with it was that the Resistance needed every fighter they could get. They also knew that it was Leia trying to soften the blow for Poe.  
It didn't make the choice easier, but it eliminated the guilt from Poe's heavy heart. 

Poe found no more comfort in the privacy of his room. The chills came and the visions came and the pain came, a combination of prior injuries and detoxing. Leia'd wanted him in Medical while he detoxed. No way he was gonna let her stick him in a white cell surrounded by doctors and more importantly, people. Not while he was like this.  
So he stayed curled up in his bed, sick, while BB8, the only companion he would suffer, beeped sadly at the foot of the bed as his master wept.


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The continuation of Poe spiraling deeper into his mess of drugs and crap. He tries different things, he does better, and then Leia makes a somewhat irrational decision that will affect everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo last night I had this realization that I mucked up the story and I need to re-write it??? Three chapters into the thing??? And clearly it was too late to re-write chapter three and work out where the story is going to go, all before posting it tonight. So here is what I have. Please bear with me while I desperately try to fill in all the holes in my re-vamped plot.

Three days have passed, and if anyone noticed his disappearance, no one commented on it when Poe finally stepped back into the hangar. Everyone had been told, apparently, that Leia had him on another special mission, one that did not require his x-wing or his squadron, but was sure to keep him away from the base for several days.  
Special mission indeed, he thought bitterly. But his mind was clearer than it had been in weeks, and so far the nightmares had kept to a few fleeting glimpses every morning, before the sun woke him.  
He hops into his X-wing and takes her to the sky, no particular mission in mind except to escape the base and have a few hours to himself.  
If Leia cared, she didn't mention it. 

He has a bad one, that night. It has him dry-heaving when he wakes and then shaking, uncontrollably, as he tries to rub the pain from his temples and behind his eyes.  
He can't do it. He can't take it anymore.  
He pulls on his boots and walks, towards the only thing that could possibly help him now. 

No one is in the hangar when he reaches it. That, he was thankful for. He crosses the great empty room, walking more confidently than he feels, and pulls himself up into the cockpit of his sleek back X-wing. He breaths a sigh of relief as the glass closes around him. Finally he feels safe secure.  
It's cold in the hangar and the glass fogs up when he breathes. He draws a smiley face in the fog to watch him while he sleeps.  
He rubs a loving hand over the leather seat, caressing it as only a pilot does. Then he folds his arms across his chest and leans back and closes his eyes.  
He's up before the first crew make's their way into the hangar, already working on his ship's engines with a new energy and vigor. He'd noticed a slight whine in the lower left turboengine, and he had to fix that before he went out with the squadron that afternoon. After all, Black Leader needed to be in tip to condition if they were ever to catch a break from the First Order. 

Jess stops in front of Poe, arms folded, and his heart sinks. Kriff, someone told her.  
"I'm not mad." She says. Her eyes look faintly red. "I'm happy for you. I'm glad you don't need it anymore."  
"I wouldn't say that exactly." Poe says weakly, rubbing his greasy hands on his pants.  
"I'm really glad it helped." Jess repeats. "And I'm gonna miss you."  
"Jess, I'm not going anywhere-"  
But she's already gone.  
He rubs his forehead and turns back to the engine he's working on.

The General trusted him to get rid of it on his own, the remainder of the substance. But he couldn't bring himself to destroy it. It remains tucked in his footlocker, hidden under the few belonging he doesn't keep in his wall locker. It stays there as a plan b, as security, to fall back on only in an emergency. Only if he absolutely can't take it anymore. If he's weak. If he breaks.  
He moves the footlocker so that he can see it from the bed. When he goes to sleep, and when he wakes up shaking, it's there in front of him, just a few steps away. He could crawl to it if he needed to.  
He knows that it's just a few feet away, tucking in the bottom of the chest.  
That helps him not be too scared to go to sleep at night.  
In the end, it's what ruins him.

But until then, until the end, he holds out pretty well, reverting to his old practices and patterns without too much scrutiny from the crew. The biggest difference in his life, honestly, is the absence of Jess. She avoids him if she can. Surely she thinks he'll judge her for being weaker than he is. Surely he'll look down on her because she can't quit it, like he did. If only she knew the truth. 

Many times he reaches for the little white square. Many times with shaking hands he undoes the lock and opens the locker. He even goes so far, once or twice, as to push the clothes away and pull the packet out.  
But then he holds it and takes a deep breath and closes his eyes and drops the packet back into the chest. And he sits there on the floor, collapsed against the chest, panting.  
But he doesn't give in.  
He's not going to go back to the drugs. No matter what he does, he's not going to lose his squadrons, his position.  
Honestly, he does it more for them than for himself. 

He opens his door at the quiet knocking and leans against the door frame, his arms blocking the view inside.  
"I got your message." Says the pretty young woman in front of him. "Can I come in?"  
He steps aside to let her in. Before he closes the door he glances at the hallway, completely empty. Nobody is wandering around near his quarters at that hour.  
He rubs his face and closes the door, going over to the girl who already has her shirt off. 

It works for a while, but then Rania tells him that it'll have to be her last night. Her Commanding Officer has noticed her sneaking out, and told her to cut it out, or she loses her position.  
He almost laughs at the irony.  
First night alone- it sucks. 

His crew notices how edgy he's become, worse than when he was getting high every night. He's jumpy and yells at them for everything, every little thing.  
Jess just looks at him with betrayal in her eyes whenever he passes her.  
"It is worth it?" She asks one day when they're left alone. "If it makes you this miserable?"  
He begins to wonder it himself. 

It's not worth it. He comes to the realization one night as he's dying in his bed, tangled in the bedsheets. It's not worth it, not for Leia, not for himself- not even for his pilots, they're all fed up with him anyway.  
His hands shake as he self medicates. He doesn't pay attention to amount. The walls are closing in on him, he can't breath, his head is on fire. He just needs to put out the fire, that's all he cares about.  
When he wakes up, he knows something is wrong.  
He tries to get out of bed, to the bathroom, but collapses on the floor.  
BB8 resolutely hurries to his master's side, whistling and beeping urgently.  
"Yes." Poe gasps, for a change. "Get help."  
He passes out in the middle of the room. 

Poe sits on his bed in medical, in one of the private rooms reserved for higher ranking peoples.  
The General just came and went. His ears are still ringing with her words. Harsh words, and loving words, and heartbroken words.  
He just looks at his hands, ignoring BB8 bumping against his leg.  
He tried to explain to her that he was clean. He really truly was clean. He was trying. For her.  
His words meant nothing to her.  
She'd trusted him before, and look what happened. She got called to sickbay in the middle of the night because her best officer overdosed.  
No more chances, she'd told him.  
He was out.  
Whether he stayed in the Resistance base, where they could protect him from the First Order, or whether he left and made a new life on some distant planet was up to him.  
If he ever straightened himself out he could come back.  
Try and last a year, she'd asked him. Make it through a year clean and she would give him his position back.  
"You don't get it." He'd told her angrily, his voice thick. Last a year? He couldn't make it through a year, not alone. How the hell was he supposed to do it on his own, if she kicked him out?  
He'd had his chance to ask for help. He was just too damn proud. That was his problem, he pretended to be all cocky and sure of himself so other people would fall for his charisma, but he was just a proud, lonely man who pushed away anyone who tried to help. And now he was dealing with the consequences. 

Jess had been giving him the drugs, but she'd gotten them from someone. Poe makes sure to track him down and get a weeks worth of doses before hopping in the same ship he'd stolen from Jakku, and blasting off to the first coordinates that show up in nav history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Later chapters are totally gonna be longer, I pwomise.


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The continuation of how Poe's life spiraled into misery and is now getting better again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's late, I know. I was sick as balls yesterday and finally dragged my butt out of bed to grab my computer and drag it back into bed with me. *Pathetic coughing* I know, gross. 
> 
> Am I rushing it? Quite possibly. 
> 
> Anyway here it is, and while I'm not loving what I've done with the place, it's better than what I'd had written.

A week later, Poe is living the dream in a run down part of the run down part of town. But he's got a roof over his head, a bed to sleep on, a new lady friend, and a few days worth of... some sort of narcotic.  
He collapses on the couch, putting his feet up on the rickety coffee table.  
He tilts his head back and lights the roll of gray paper without looking. It's muscle memory for his shaking hands.  
He stays there. 

The official circulating rumor, as started by Leia's personal assistant, bless her loyal soul, is that Poe has volunteered for a top secret mission, which is why no one will talk about it. No one knows when he'll be back. It's not talked about much, though. It's very important that it remain top secret, so no one talks about it. 

Jess doesn't take long to put two and two together. 

He tries going clean once, again.  
The minute he closes his eyes he sees Jess and Snaps and Finn and Rey and Leia and BB8 and the rest of his squadron.  
But no nightmares.  
Kylo Ren no longer haunts him, but his friends do. 

The Chief intelligence officer is sought out.  
She is taken away from the base on many missions as time goes on. She has her network to cultivate, and more and more members of her informant circle are either withdrawing, or just plain disappearing. It does not bode well for the Resistance.  
She is just coming in from the hangar when they approach her.  
"We want you to locate Dameron for us." They say, after she cuts through the small talk and asks them what they want.  
"The Pilot? He left the Resistance for a reason."  
They know that, of course.  
She wants to know why they are discussing this behind the Generals back. They can't give her a straight answer.  
"Think carefully before you commit treason." She warns them. "I do make my reports to the General herself, concerning all threats."

The next time we see these officers, they meet in secret.  
The General's own assistant has organized the meeting, has called them all together.  
"Something must be done." She says. They all know what she means. "The General is no longer who she was. She has grown unstable."  
"We all see it." Someone else says. "She's making more and more risky moves. She's killing us."  
"What do you suggest we do about it?"  
"You know what we need to do. We've all thought about it."  
The Intelligence Officer, Navar, is not so convinced.  
"Are you sure that's the best option you can think of?" She asks, still resisting their plan. "If we do bring back Dameron what then? We still have the same problem of an addict on our hands. And do you really think having Dameron, as he is, back at the helm of our fleet, will pull us out of this mess? Or will he only make things worse."  
They cannot give in to their misgivings.  
"You know Navar, it's beginning to seem like you don't want him back." Someone says carefully.  
"I've told you I don't want him to come back. I'm only doing this for your sakes. And for the Resistance."  
"I will find him." She says reluctantly after listening to several compelling arguments. "But don't expect me to explain this mess to the General when she finds out." 

A knock on the door interrupts him and his partner. With a sigh she gets up from the table and goes over to the entrance, opening the door just a crack. She sees who it is and opens it all the way.  
"You got me a surprise." She says over her shoulder. She looks the visitor up and down and bites her lip. "I like it."  
Kel put her hand out, holding something in her fist. "What's this?" The girl watched as Kel, ever the drama queen, dropped a few credits into her open palm. "Oh."  
Kel arched an eyebrow. "Surprise."  
The girl folded her arms and moved aside for Kel to come in.  
"There he is." She said, as if it needed saying. "Like I told the guy."  
Poe looked up at the strangely familiar woman gazing down her nose at him. He swirls the drink around in his glass.  
The girl walked back over to the table and sat down, not making eye contact with either of them.  
"Who talks first?" Poe drawled, mocking himself. He smiles up at Kel. She does not smile back. He sighs and looks at the girl, without actually looking at her.  
"So is that how this works, they gave you a few credits and you just told them everything you-"  
"That's how most information exchanges work, Dameron." Kel interrupted.  
"I was asking her."  
"It's not just a few credits." The girl says, gripping the tokens. "This woman says she can help you." Kel glances at the girl but says nothing. Poe shakes his head slightly, smiling up at Kel.  
"This woman isn't here to help anyone."  
"Actually, that's not true." Kel says cooly. He almost hates her for it, how self assured and smug she is. "The Resistance has provided your lovely friend with a new identity and safe passage to Coruscant, to thank her for her cooperation."  
"I'll get a real job, a new life." The girl says earnestly. "You can too." Such empty words. Even as she says them she knows they hold no weight.  
"You don't need to pretend you care. We were both using each other, I know."  
"The transport leaves tonight." Kel addresses the girl. "I've given them instructions not to leave until they confirm with my men that you're aboard."  
Without a moment of hesitation, the girl collects her belongings and hurries out the door. Not even a word of thanks.  
"I'm not coming back to the Resistance." Poe says right away, breaking the silence.  
"Why do you say that?"  
"I don't want to."  
"That's not true, Dameron. You just don't want to have to get clean. Lucky for you, the Resistance doesn't care anymore if you stay clean or not. They just want you back."  
"Why?"  
"You really were a good Commander."  
"They think that?"  
"Everyone thinks that."  
Poe looks at Kel, chewing over her words.  
"So they want me to come back, great. Only it's not that simple."  
"It is that simple. You come back with me or you can slowly kill yourself down here. And I don't believe for a second that you truly want to stay here."  
"You're right. I hate this place. I hate the Resistance more."  
Kel bites back her annoyance and his childish words.  
"I didn't come here to let you cry on my shoulder. I came here to bring you back to the resistance, one way or another."  
"Really? They sent you here to haul back an addict?"  
Kel hesitates.  
"No." She admits. "They want you to go clean."  
Poe shakes his head.  
"Look, I'm sorry but that's not happening."  
"I know that."  
"And yet you're here."  
"In this business that I'm in-"  
"Coercion and manipulation?"  
"One learns when sex and money will work, and when to offer something more."  
Poe narrows his eyes at her.  
"So?"  
Kel reaches into her jacket and, after a brief second of hesitation, pulls out a small paper package, just like the one that got Poe into this mess.  
"It's more refined than that inferior garbage your subordinate was giving you. It's effect lasts longer and, with regular ingestion, the withdrawal symptoms and general side effects can be completely avoided. You can live your life and no one will suspect anything."  
"Even the General?"  
"I will take care of the General."  
Kel can see the gears turning, can see this man weighing her words. And yet still there's a part of him that resists.  
"This is the only way you'll ever fly again." She tells him. And those words resonate with him. They shock him to the core.  
"I'll be made Commander again."  
"If all goes well."  
"You say that as if there's a chance all won't go well."  
"That all depends on you."  
Poe fingers the package, turning it over in his hand as he considers his options.  
"And everyone else is on board with this?"  
Kel tilts her head, bites her tongue.  
"No." She admits at last. "They do not know about what I'm offering you."  
Poe rubs his eyes. His head hurts. Well, his head always hurts.  
"The two things you love, Poe. Flying and narcotics. You can have both."  
She waits for a long moment.  
"Try it tonight. If you like it, I'll be at the western spaceport in three days. Hangar seven, before noon."  
And with that she leaves. 

Poe looks at the package sitting inches away from him on the table. It lures him, it really does. Maybe he will try it, just tonight. Of course he doesn't need to go with that Lieutenant, not just for drugs. He has other ways of getting his fixes, and besides that he can live without drugs.  
So he reaches for the package and pulls out the crisp roll. Just from looking at it it's clearly higher quality, a cut above the others, so to speak.  
He wonders fleetingly where she managed to get her hands on such high-grade, expensive stuff, but she is a Lieutenant- a Commander.  
He sits back and lights up. 

Kel is completely at ease as she walks back to her ship. She knows that she's already got Dameron sealed on the deal. She told him the drug was extra potent, extra quality, extra-kriffing-special. She didn't tell him that it was more addicting as well. It will also put him in a good mood, as long at it lasts. A real good mood, not that fleeting euphoria achieved my less-refined versions. That particular dosage ensured that his withdrawal symptoms wouldn't become brutal for four days at least, but by that time his brain would already be seeking out the drug, subconsciously.  
She smiles to herself, an ugly smile. She's got him under her control already. That pretentious pilot will be a pain in her side no more. And the Resistance leaders will stop bothering her too. A win win situation, from any side. The Resistance will have their favorite pilot, the pilot will have his drugs, and she'll have the peace and order within her job that she works so hard to maintain.

It's not an easy choice. To go back to the Resistance. To face everyone again. Even knowing that no one was told about his addiction and his expulsion- it's just really kriffing hard. It scares him. It terrifies him.  
But through the torn curtain on his tiny window he watches the sun reflect off of countless space ships, docking and departing, every day.  
How disgusting he's become. How pathetic. He sits in his room day after day and that's it, he just sits. He would probably have starved already if the whore- the girl hadn't brought him food when she showed up every night.  
He sits in his corner, stuck on the ground, while life goes on around him and people with worse problems than him get up and get on with their lives.  
There's freedom up there. And this is a prison down here.

"You will accompany me on a three week mission before we return to the Resistance." Kel informs him as he makes himself comfortable in the cockpit of her fancy old vessel. She's flying, of course. He hadn't expected her to let him take the wheel on her first day back on the job. "Unfortunately this matter is urgent and I will not have the opportunity to drop you off at the base." As if she didn't plan it this way. "Oh, and I expect you'll be needing this." She tosses him a package with sixteen rolls inside.  
"Where do you get this?" He wonders.  
"I'm sorry?"  
"The First Order used to distribute narcotics a lot like this." He muses, turning the pack over in his hands. "We took a ship into custody and it was transporting a bunch of different narcotics."  
Kel just ignores him and his rambling from there out. 

It takes a while, but Kel seems to know what she's doing. After a few weeks of sending the Pilot off on various smaller scale, solo missions, he's gained some of his old confidence and swagger back. He handles a few team trips for her too, leading a group of militants to do some flock tending while she worries about her bigger problems. By the end of three weeks he's a changed man- changed back into the man he was before the whole mess happened. He's in an amazingly good mood.  
He's the charming Poe Dameron that everyone remembers. It takes her a little longer than she'd planned for- they take four weeks, rather than three, but she's done it. By the time they start their return trip the the Resistance base, she has successfully reconditioned Poe Dameron.  
When he walks down that landing ramp and grins at his subordinates, or crew, or pilots or whatever, it's as if the whole fiasco never happened.  
The pack in his left hand pocket says otherwise, but no one needs to know about that. They're very careful, him and Kel. It's their little secret. 

Honestly, he avoids Finn for the first few hours. He has no idea what he's going to say to the ex-stormtrooper.  
"Heya buddy."  
"Poe!" Finn nearly tackles Poe to the ground, so forceful is his hug. "Is it good to see you." He keeps Poe in that bear hug, until Poe finally realizes that he's should be hugging him back. He squeezes back, though not too hard. "How are you?" Finn asks, finally breaking the embrace.  
"I'm alright."  
"Good." No second guessing, no "Are you sure? Really sure? But how are you really?"  
"Man how I missed you." Poe says with a breathy laugh.  
"Where were you?" Finn asks. "Everyone I asked said it was top secret."  
Poe almost tells him.  
"Well, if it's top secret, it's top secret." He says instead. He gives Finn that signature Dameron smirk. "Even for you."  
"We'll see about that after a few drinks." Finn jokes, semi-seriously.  
"Eeehh. Maybe not." Poe is not going to tell anyone what happened to him, not even this kid. 

The officers send him away from the base just for a little while longer. Perhaps they're stalling, to avoid the inevitable confrontation with the General. Kel doesn't understand this at all. She is going to find out. Why are they even waiting, they are only making things worse for themselves. It is completely illogical and it drives her mad.  
They treat her differently. Before they'd treated her with a bit of suspicion and animosity, for no reason other than the fact that she wasn't entirely on board with their plan. But when she comes back, with Poe in tow, they pat her on the back and ignore the acidic looks she gives them when they invade her bubble. The mood of the entire base seems lifted, even though the First Order is coming down on them harder than ever. 

The General does find out about Dameron, though. People talk and news spreads, especially because as far as everyone knew, their beloved Black Leader had been on an extended mission and was just recently returned. This was common knowledge, so there were no secrets to be kept. No meeting in dark corners or running around in shadows.  
Kel avoids Poe as much as possible, but obviously she does have to meet with him sometimes. In exchange for the items Kel supplies him with, he also makees it a habit to mention something important to her before leaving, things that maybe didn't make it to her report, or could've been overlooked. In this way he gets his fix, and she gets important information. 

They're standing around a table, their little club, hearing a report, when it happens.  
"What's this?" There is no mistaking the General's voice. She sounds angry- they turn around- oh look, she is angry.  
"General." Poe greets her. "Your timing couldn't have been better, we were just going over the-"  
"Someone had better explain this." Leia snaps. There is silence around the table. "Well?" Everyone glances at each other.  
"General." someone speaks calmly. "I'm afraid I don't understand."  
"Don't you give me that." Leia says, her voice so low and furious that BB-8, who has re-joined his buddy with glee, rolls behind his friend's legs.  
"When were you going to tell me? This is mutiny, you know that, right?"  
"General." The asian dude addresses Leia carefully. "If you are speaking of our welcoming Commander Dameron back into the Resistance, Commander Navar filed numerous reports stating and referencing his reinstatement. You should have been aware of it by now."  
"What reports?" She snaps.  
"Various reports." The man answers, feigning bewilderment. Leia is too angry to see through his act. "The attack on bellia, the last month's recon-"  
"I never read those!" Leia interrupts in exasperation. "You know I don't read those!"  
"I submit all reports with the understanding that you will read them." Kel says. Leia turns to her.  
"You are the last person I would expect to be involved in this!"  
"I also reported my involvement in this operation several times."  
"It's true." The Asian guy backs her up. "We tried to convince her not to but she wouldn't listen."  
"Did you ever consider reporting it directly to me?" Leia wants to know. "In person? Because it takes priority?"  
"Why?" Kel asks, putting a stop to the General's rant. "Nothing we are doing is expressly illegitimate. The reinstatement of Commander Dameron was all done under your requirements."  
"He's sober?"  
"Always."  
"And no more drugs?"  
"Commander Dameron is no longer addicted to Nicomine." Kel answers, naming the drug that Pava had been giving Poe. This confuses Poe. She's lying for him, but why? And how does she do it so calmly? "You needn't worry, General."  
"Oh I worry." But Leia seems pleased enough with the information Kel has given her. "Next time something like this happens, you might deign to come to my office and let me know, in person."  
Everyone seems in a bit of shock, after Leia leaves. Everyone except for Kel. She turns back to the table, unperturbed.  
"Now back to the matter at hand." She says, and everyone exchange glances before turning the conversation back around. 

Poe comes up to Kel in the mess hall. He glances at the report that she's scrolling through, noting a strange code that he's not familiar with. And are those... coordinates, of a First Order stronghold? It doesn't matter.  
He accepts the package that Kel hands him, without looking up from her report. He tucks it in his pocket too quickly for anyone to notice.  
"What's that?"  
"Work."  
"Why did you lie for me?"  
This makes Kel look up. She peers up at Poe, her eyes sharp.  
"I didn't lie." She says. "Nicomine is the narcotic you were getting from your subordinate. What I'm supplying you with is something entirely different."  
"You said it was more refined than Nicomine-"  
"I said it was a more refined, more potent drug than what you were getting." Kel cuts him off, and that is some genuine exasperation in her voice. "Please Dameron, I have work to do."  
"It's Pava."  
"What?'  
"You keep calling her my subordinate. She has a name and it's Pava."  
"Yes. Of course." Kel glances to the right, a sign that she's trying to come up with a lie. Strange, she doesn't usually make little mistakes like that.  
"All those involved in the scandal are entitled to some kind of anonymity. I thought it best that no names come up in our conversations where we can be overheard."  
"Don't try to tell me that you actually care."  
Kel blinks, a tiny thing that Poe gets strange satisfaction from. She doesn't usually get upset, she didn't even blink twice when lying to the General's face, but now she's flustered.  
"Are you implying that I-"  
"Am utterly heartless? Yes, I think you are a cold, apathetic sociopath with absolutely no passions or drive, and the only reason you do anything is for logic's sake or some secret personal agenda no one knows about."  
"You are correct." Kel barks. "You want to know why I lied for you? Because it's the logical thing to do, to avoid another big kriffing mess. Thank you, Dameron, for such stimulating conversation. Good night!"  
Poe steps back as Kel snatches up her datapadd and blows out of the room. He stares after her, a bit in shock. But then he grins. She may be a heartless sociopath, but Poe Dameron has still got it.


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the ending. 
> 
> Still not 100% thrilled with this story, but I lack the skill to make it any better, so here we are. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's stuck around, I hope you all kinda enjoyed it :)

He's more careful this time around. He always waits until BB-8 has powered down for the night, and he makes sure there's a way for the smoke to clear out of the room before the morning comes, without alerting anyone of his new old habit. 

 

He starts putting a roll aside, every time he gets a new pack. He wants to keep a collection, just for if something happens and he can't get more as regularly. He can cut down on doses and last an extra day between. So he puts a little bit away. Misses just one dose between trades.   
It only takes two trades for Kel to notice.   
At the third one, after he's been doing this for two weeks, there's an extra roll in the pack. He just blinks, trying to understand that this strange, cool person has actually showed him... well, not kindness per say. But she noticed. She's paying attention. Though she may pretend not to care when she hands him his present without looking up from her work, or any show of interest, she notices things.   
She's more short with him after this first time, more impatient and quick-tongued. Must convey her displeasure, make it very clear that he is inconveniencing her.   
She'll get over it. 

 

BB-8 asks him why he's always meeting that girl. She obviously doesn't like him, and he used to hate her, so what's the point?   
He doesn't have a good answer. 'Remember how you thought I was better? Surprise, I'm not!' or perhaps, '#still an addict'.  
"Sometimes we have to put up with people we don't like." He says, foregoing any of his other ideas. "You know how it is, you were stuck with that girl and the Stormtrooper, trying to escape the First Order."   
BB-8 whistles something that obviously translates to "We both know how you really feel about them."  
"I know buddy, it was rough, but you made it through."   
BB-8 rolls his little photo-receptor. 

 

Poe stares at himself in the mirror.   
He looks at the bags under his eyes, almost completely faded, and imagines them gone.   
He looks at the sharp eyes looking back at him, imagines them clear and focused.   
He sees the frown lines echoing the curves of his face and of his smile, and imagines them as laughs.   
He sees the smoke that curls in front of the glass, warping his view. He imagines the room empty and smelling of fresh sheets or sweat and engine grease. Anything but this savory, sweet scent.   
Navar had said that the effects of the drug were less life-inhibiting. But what if he could just be... uninhibited? His nightmares were gone, for good now, he knew that. It'd been nearly a year since his adventure with BB-8. He's not better, obviously, but they're all new problems, besides a slight fear of any one, Jedi or otherwise, rooting around in his brain. That's not really a problem though, not anymore, and he knows that he won't be getting rid of it.   
Kel had also said that withdrawal would be less painful, less obvious.   
He has. Forgotten. How it feels to be entirely, one-hundred-percent Poe, nothing fuzzy floating around in his brain. He has actually forgotten. How do you forget that sort of thing?  
He looks down at the pack of rolls in his hands. 

 

They're up above the planet, coming back from an incredibly short run. Poe's hands still resist as he lowers the ship. Perhaps there's something in him that still thinks he's going to leave and never come back to the beautiful beast. "We'll go farther next time." He promises, landing in the hangar.   
"What was that Commander?"   
"Sorry Jess, just talking to myself."   
"Right. Well while we're talking, have lunch with me?"  
"Cut the chatter Pava, Sir." Someone says disapprovingly. "It's neither the time or place." And then, in a mutter, "Making plans over the team comm, who does that?"   
Poe grins.   
"Wally's right, Jess. We'll talk on the ground."   
He flicks off the comm and shuts down the X-wings systems, one at a time.  
The glass bubble rises slowly, letting in the noise of the hangar. Jess is waiting there on the ground when Poe hops out.   
"What's up?"   
"Lunch."   
"Yeah but why? You sounded like you had something you wanted to talk about?"   
"What's the problem with just getting lunch?" She can't hide the disappointment in her voice. "Just like old times?"   
"Nothings wrong with it." Poe says quickly, laughing it off as casually as he can. "It just sounded like you had something on your mind, that's all."   
"So you don't want to have lunch then."  
"Jess, do you have something you want to talk about or not?"   
Pava tucks her hair back.   
"Yes."   
"Okay then. Lunch it is." He gives her an encouraging smile. But it fades as he watches her walk away. There was something in Jess's voice, and it's been there since he came back from his nine-month furlow. Maybe it's good that they're having lunch. He should stop putting it off, and find out what's wrong already. As Commander, he should know what's going on with his people. 

 

"So what's on your mind?" Poe asks. While he's waiting for Jess to respond he takes a huge bite of whatever the lunch is supposed to be. It's not the most appetizing meal he's ever been served in this place, but he's absolutely famished.   
"Oh, I don't know." Jess says, pushing her own meal around on the tray. "I guess I was just wondering how you've been?"  
Poe looked at Jess as he chewed. His mind was racing, trying to find an answer, and she was just watching him, expectantly but also with a bit of trepidation, if he was not mistaken. Working with Kel had revealed his talent at understanding micro-expressions, something he found himself falling back on all the time in order to deal with people.   
"I've been fine." He says after finally swallowing. "This is what you wanted to talk about?"  
"Well, no." Jess admits. "I was just, well..."  
"Spit it out Pava."  
"You've been different, since you got back. I was just wondering if you're... okay."  
Poe stops eating and thinks about this.   
"Different how?"  
"I don't know. I'm not a psychologist or a profiler, I'm just your friend and something seems different."   
"Well something is different, Jess." He's being very careful with his words. "Those nine months weren't spent sunning at a tropical resort."   
"What were you doing?" As if she's afraid of what he might answer.  
"This and that. I worked a few missions with Kel."  
"Kel?"  
"The Intelligence officer."  
"Ah. The scary one."   
He smiles and nods.   
"The scary one."  
"Why are you lying to me?"  
"What?" He looks at her in shock. "What do you mean?"  
"Just working with Commander Navar wouldn't change you like this, Poe."   
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"And I suppose you're still clean?"  
"Of course, Jess!" Poe is getting frustrated, and he's lying. He's lying to Jess. It's not right. "Why would you even ask that?"  
"What am I supposed to think? All I know is that you were acting one way before you left, and now nine months later you're changed."   
"People change, Jess. Not all of us stay caught up in old habits."   
It's a low blow, because he knows Jess is still addicted to Nicomine. It was never anything that he wanted to bring up and make a big deal out of, considering his own situation, but it just slipped out.   
"You're right." Jess says, her eyes bright. "People do change, and you especially have changed Poe. I hope it's for the better."   
With that, she gets up and leaves.   
Poe is again in the position of watching her back as she walks away from him.   
He lied to her. He's been lying to her all this time and now when she confronts him about it, he adds more lies into the mix.  
It has to end. It has to end, here. 

Poe drops the paper-wrapped bundle on the table with a resounding thump. Kel's stylus stills. She looks at the bag, then at Poe.  
"What are you doing?"  
"I don't want it." Poe says simply. "Not anymore."  
Kel smiles and puts down her pen.   
"Poe-"  
"What, now you're gonna try and tell me I'm making a mistake? You know I'm going to go ahead with it anyway, because that's what I do."   
Kel laughs, once.   
"You mean you're going to go clean?"  
"You think I can't?" If it seems like there's hesitation in his voice, that's soon disappeared. Kel sits back in her chair, a neutral expression on her face but her eyes and voice telling something else. Poe does wonder why she can't seem to lie to him as easily as she does to others.   
"I don't think you slummed it in that shipyard for a year for any old reason."   
"You think I can't." Poe says again, positive.   
"I think it's a lot easier said than done. At least that's what your record shows."   
"You said it yourself, the withdrawal effects aren't as bad as with nicomine."   
"Yes, but it's ten times more addicting! Even if you're not sick in bed your brain still wants it!"   
"Of course I still want it Kel, but that doesn't mean it's good for me."   
Kel bites back a retort and avoids his intense gaze, which is focused right on her.   
"What am I supposed to do with it?" She snaps.   
"Take care of it."   
"How???????" Her voice drips with derision.   
"I don't know, figure something out. Give it to medical."  
"And what do I tell them? That I just happened to have all this in a box in my closet?"  
"Make something up!" Kel rolls her eyes. "That's what you do, you lie to people."  
"Fine."  
"Fine?"  
"Fine."   
"Good." Poe stands there, awkward now that he has nothing to say to her. "Well. Thanks."   
Kel stares at him until he leaves.   
Once he's gone she sighs and rubs her temples and stares at the paper bag on her table, a new problem for her to take care of. She pulls it closer. This was not part of the plan. She did not see this happening, not in a million years.   
"Figure something out, make something up." She mimics bitterly. "Sure, anything for you Dameron." She shakes her head slowly. "What's one more lie." But it's not one more lie, it's one lie here, one lie there, and then after that- wait for it- more lies. It's not Dameron who'll have to take care of everything, it's her. For him it's just an easy matter of dropping it on her desk, quite literally, and walking away, wiping his hands of the whole matter. It's Kel that really takes care of it. It's Kel who has been taking care of it, this whole time. Kel takes care of everything for Poe Dameron.   
But she'll just have to get over it, like she always does. 

 

The General calls her in for a meeting, and she thinks nothing of it. She has scheduled meetings with Leia all the time, and some of the concepts are a bit difficult for the General to grasp when she's reading a report of out context. That's probably what this is, just the General asking for some clarification and wasting Kels precious time.   
But she doesn't want to talk about a report, she wants to talk about Poe.   
"Like I told you General, he's completely clean now." Kel insists. She does not voice her frustration at the fact- to do so would be stupid.   
"You don't think he's hiding anything?"   
"There's no one here who really hides anything from me."   
It's conceited, she thinks in hindsight, how she just says things without prefacing them with something a bit more humble. How she just says what she wants and assumes everyone else will agree with it as fact. The very way that she operates is conceited, thinking that everything is under her control and is guaranteed to go as planned. Poe Dameron proved her otherwise, in that aspect. Poe Dameron just has to have everyone under his control, under his charm.   
Her bitter musings distract her so she doesn't hear what the General is saying.   
"I'm sorry?" This is the first time she's ever asked the General to repeat herself- why didn't she just improvise- what is happening to her?  
"If you're interested in your personnel, you can file a request and I will write up a review of their performance. Now if you'll excuse me, I am late for an important meeting regarding the safety of this entire operation."   
And with that completely bogus lie, she closes the meeting and escapes to her quarters. 

 

Poe is free as a bird. He knows Kel is still frustrated with him, because they pass in hallways or converse at meetings, and she can sure hold a grudge.   
But he is free as a bird, and he enjoys it to the utmost.   
After a brief period of misery directly following his cutting off of the drugs, Poe is back to normal- normal normal. His mind is clearer than it's ever been, the dexterity has returned to his fingers, and his weariness is all but gone, save the late nights when they put in too many hours in the hangar.   
And Leia is talking to him again, finally.   
They're still not back to how things used to be. But then, they never will be, and they both know it. He hurt her, and she sure as heck hurt him, throwing him out of the Resistance like she did.   
So things never can be back to normal. But they are better, with everyone. And that's all he needs. Or so he thinks. 

 

He didn't know he was missing her until Rey arrives a few weeks later. He stands and watches as she throws herself at Finn and then, after a very long and honestly very awkward moment for everyone watching, finally pulls out of the hug to start gushing about how worried she was and how glad she is that he's all better now.   
And then she sees Poe. She approaches him a bit more tentatively, looking up at his face.  
"It's good to see you, too."   
"Really? I was kinda feeling left-out from all the hugging."   
She's grown so much more comfortable with herself and with others, and without hesitation she squeezes Poe's hand and hugs him, though less exuberantly. Poe smiles and gives her a warm squeeze. Finn puts his hand on Poe's shoulder.  
"Gang's all back!" He crows.  
Now that's all he needs.  
Finn orders Rey to tell all, and they walk off together, completely ignoring the fact that Luke is just standing there watching them go, his hands outstretched like 'what about me?'


End file.
